After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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