Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
