Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
