The maid of honor just puked.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
