I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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