You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
