see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
