if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
