I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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