I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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