last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
