Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
