just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
