he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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