i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Reggie can tackle my bush.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize