If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
