turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just had sex on a roof
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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