I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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