i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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