I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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