How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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