yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
