there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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