i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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