So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
