the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
