Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
