Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize