I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
