My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
