How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
