I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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