I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize