I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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