I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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