I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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