sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
