my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
