Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
