you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
