I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
