The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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