Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
