I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
