It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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