turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
