ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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