So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize