I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
