I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
