Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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