she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
