Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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