Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
