Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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