is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
