I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
