i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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