Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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