just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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