Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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